'Til death do us part...
A lot of us have said those words as part of our marriage vow and even if you didn't say the actual words, you probably said something like that. And if you haven't said anything resembling those words to another human being yet you're probably planning to at some point.
In the state of CA, it is mandatory that a healthy aging class be taught as part of the nursing school curriculum. One our assignments in this class is to conduct 3 interviews with a community-dwelling older adult, so, someone aged 65+ who still lives in the community (but not in a nursing home). I interviewed Michael's tennis partner who is 69 and let me just tell you that Bob regularly kicks Michael's butt on the court. Also, they're playing at the 3.5 level which is relatively advanced.
During the course of my interview I asked Bob about whether he was married, widowed, divorced, etc. I knew he was living with one of the lady's who is in my tennis clinic and that they reconnected at their 45th high school reunion a while back but that's all I knew. But during the interview I got the scoop and discovered that Bob decided to divorce his wife of 42 years because he felt that he still had too many good years on this earth and wanted to be happy. The details of what precipitated this decision are few but he did mention that they had changed too much and didn't share enough of the same interests anymore.
Just out of curiousity I asked him if, given how long our life expectancy is now, if he thinks it's feasible to be married to the same person for the rest of your life. And he said no. And if it does happen, great, but what a rarity it will be. Being married for more than 10-15 yrs to the same person seems like a rarity these days. But it got me thinking about things. I said those very vows to Michael 3 years ago and I meant them then and I mean them now. But will we feel differently in 40 years? 60 years? We could easily live to be in our 90s and beyond and that is a long, long time of being with the same person.
Do I think Bob is right? Kind of. Marriage takes work and commitment no matter how long you're married but the thought of being divorced in 40 years is mind boggling. Clearly, this is not an issue we need to concern ourselves with right now but it's been on my mind since Saturday. Frankly, the whole thing makes me feel sad. And it's a reminder that you have to take care of your marriage and not let it languish like some half-rotted plant in the yard. But what say you, dear internets? In this age of longevity, is it feasible to be married to the same person until death parts you?
5 comments:
Hm, I want to think that it is -- that you can figure out a way to change together and all that stuff. Let the record show, however, that I am not married and therefore have no idea of what I speak.
That's a pretty cool assignment, to interview someone over 65. At least you didn't have to talk about things being stuck in inappropriate places. (I would have dropped out of nursing school 148 times already by now.)
Having only been married for three years to a wonderful woman, the marriage advice I gave my friend Stephen started "A wife is like an Adventure(TM) Person..."
One of the descriptions of marriage that I have read which stuck with me came from a strange book about space faring Jesuits. One of the characters said something like, "I have been married to five different men. They were all named George Edwards and had the same Social Security Number, but they were different people and I was five different people. As we grow and change, we have to decide whether and how to commit ourselves as we are to the other person as they are."
I suspect that is what is so hard. It is probably very easy to drift a little bit apart in the stress of life, only to realize that you moved further than you realized. I know that I am a very different person from who I was ten years ago, and can hardly imaging who I will be in ten years. I just look forward to the journey with you.
And always remember "ductility".
Grg, I didn't have to ask about things up rectums but when interacting with the older adult you have to ask them about their sex lives...at least that wasn't part of this assignment! Also, you don't have to be married to have an opinion on this:>
TM, I will always be your adventure person in life.
Ductily yours, your wife
One of my Adventure People toys Isn't the internet amazing?
I know long-term marriage is becoming more and more rare, but I don't know. I wouldn't have gotten married if I thought that we'd someday get divorced. If I thought it would last 10-15 years, or that there was some unknown expiration date stamped on our relationship, I wouldn't have bothered. My parents have been married for almost 40 years and they seem pretty happy. My goal is to exceed that.
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