10.25.2010

33 for 33...

In no particular order:

* Visit Yosemite
* Get a new (faster, better, awesome-r) bike
* Learn Calculus--just kidding
* Make bagels or soft pretzels from scratch
* Get my passport stamped (Spain 2011!)
* Practice my very rusty Spanish in time for trip to Spain
* Make pasta from scratch
* Read some Jane Austen (besides the short stories I read in college)
* Pay down my student loans
* Go to therapy
* Find a cheap yoga class
* See a movie at the indie movie theater in Menlo Park
* Paint the living/dining room
* Try container gardening again
* Prepare a Thanksgiving dinner with brand new recipes
* Re-evaluate my stuff and sell/donate/toss what I no longer *really* need
* Work on my tennis game and improve my forehand
* Make potstickers
* Have family portrait taken with my in-laws
* Print and frame wedding photos
* Try to read one new book per month
* Update resume
* Take at least 2 weekend trips with the Tall Man and the dog (maybe Tahoe?)
* Make a cheesecake of any kind (I bake all the time and yet I never make cheesecake)
* Get a massage
* Make better friends with my body
* Trip to Vegas with my best girlfriends
* Go on a 20 mi. bike ride in Monterey
* Get through another election season without losing my sanity
* Take a cooking/baking class
* Adopt a second dog (Esme needs a playmate)
* See a Broadway show/play/symphony
* Read at least 2 Karen Armstrong books
* Find a new fitness challenge unrelated to tennis, kettlebells, biking or yoga

Well, that seems pretty ambitious. Guess I better get started; only 11 months left to go!

10.15.2010

Well, it's October...

Thank goodness. As previously mentioned, September is historically a bad month. I don't know why September out of the other 11 months is usually the bad one but it is. Sigh...

There have been family issues and an untimely death in the family that left us all shocked and devastated. Training at work left me feeling overwhelmed. I was working 6 days a week for a few weeks and I was just dog tired. I recognize that life is filled with good times and bad (although hopefully mostly good times) but there seems to be a critical mass of it in September. And once again it left me unwilling to engage in any birthday celebrations much to my husband's disappointment. Who feels like celebrating when it feels like Life has handed you a shit sandwich in lieu of birthday cake?

But, as I mentioned, it is October and things are better although my family continues to grieve and me with them. Training is officially over and I have dropped to part-time at the blood center (I'm a 50% employee but training was full-time) giving me a little time to catch up on some life maintenance. We have decided not to buy a house in the forseeable future and instead are putting some effort into making the house we rent more home-like and less oh-we're-just-renting-and-not-going-to-settle-here. I've purchased some paint samples and Michael and I are trying to pick which color (or colors) we prefer. I think I'm leaning toward 2 colors right now: Holmes Cream and Toasting Tan. The colors look really pink online but I assure you we have not picked anything even remotely pink. We ordered a beautiful sectional sofa (except a bit smaller than this and it's a left arm chaise not right arm; also not nearly as expensive--think big sale) and Michael has ideas for building a shelving unit to go around our TV on top of the ship case his dad made. With any luck we'll have our new couch by the time my in-laws arrive at the end of December.

So, things are looking up. Coming soon, a 33 for 33 list.

9.14.2010

Boycotting the month of September...

I don't know what it is about September but bad stuff ALWAYS happens to me or my family in September. Whether it's putting a beloved dog to sleep, a parent in the hospital, Michael's tenure process bullshit experience, friends who are sick, etc., it's just a bad month. This year's September isn't any better. So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go hide under my bed for the month of September and I'll see you again in October.

8.31.2010

Plugging away...

That's me, plugging away. I've nearly completed orientation for the technical skill portion of my job and am starting training for charge nurse in September. In October, I'll drop back to part time (I'm a 50% employee) and will begin training for the mobile units. Work is good but still overwhelming at times due to the sheer amount of information I need to take in and process. I've done 80 venipunctures to date and have only had a couple hematomas and/or missed veins. Sometimes even the biggest, juiciest vein can roll on you and then you have to attempt an adjustment. And sometimes the vein knows you're coming with that needle (16 gauge, anyone?) and just rolls away again. They're like dogs and can smell fear and apprehension...I don't know how they do that.

I still feel like life is in a state of flux. My work schedule is starting to change which is reflective of what it will look like in a month's time--no more M-F 7:30-4 weeks. I'm still trying to juggle housework and cooking and the dog and my husband and still make time for me to exercise and relax. I can usually get most of it done in a day's time save for the relaxation part. That's harder to squeeze in. This is why it takes me so long to read a book, respond to email and make phone calls. I feel like I have to do all this other stuff, life maintenance stuff, before I can sit down at the end of the day or else if I sit down on the couch, I might not get off it again until it's time for bed. But for now I'm managing. Next month, tho, I hope to include a bit more R&R with Michael and Esme. Honestly, I don't know how anyone with kids is able to do this day in and day out. I feel like it's all I can do to keep my family of two moving in a forward direction every day.

8.12.2010

Feels like Groundhog Day...

Maybe only a little, but basically I wake up and it's the same day over and over again. I've been working my new job for 5 weeks now and it's going really well. I have performed 32 out of 32 attempted venipunctures and have only had one QNS (quantity not sufficient). It wasn't 100% my fault as she had only one vein I could use and it was small and she wanted a small needle and I got it in the vein but the flow was so slow that I had to pull the needle out when it took 10 min. to get only 300 grams of blood. Most people donate the full 565 gm (that includes the wt of the bag and anticoagulant) in approx. 6 minutes or so. Anyway, it sucks when that happens because you feel like you wasted the donor's time and the blood can't be used for anything. Research might do something with it but it's definitely not enough to use for a patient.

Anyway, work is going well. I'm still in training for the actual day-to-day job responsibilities and in September I'll start charge nurse training. I'll still be full time (more or less) but will plan to spend 1 day a week at my other job. Hopefully there will be one shift/week for me but if not I'll be at the blood center instead. I won't go down to part time until sometime in October or November. That'll be kind of nice since it's good to earn the extra money but, good lord, could I use a weekday for some life maintenance.

The thing is that I get up between 5 and 5:30 in the morning and leave the house between 6:30 and 6:50 depending on what time I have to be at work. By the time I get home, work out, make dinner, walk the dog, clean up the kitchen and/or do other chores then shower, it's close to 9 pm and that's bedtime anyway. It's hard to find time to sit down and send an email and when I do get on my computer these days it's been spent communicating with my financial planner and trying to set up online pymts for my student loans. I have stuff I want to do and friends with whom I want to check in and I'm so tired and feel like I have so little time that not enough gets done. Saturdays are spent going to the market and taking the dog on long walks and then taking a big family nap in the afternoon. I feel like I could just sleep the day away. By Sunday, I have my tennis clinic and then we do chores around the house or visit with friends and before you know it it's Sunday night and time to get ready for the work week ahead. Which is what I'm doing right now. Which means I need to be finished with this and go make lunches for Michael and me for tomorrow. And so it begins again...

7.15.2010

My brain is full and I'm exhausted...

I'm too tired to write a real post so I'm just going to jot down a few things. This week is my second week on the job at the blood center and while I am just thrilled to be there, it has its challenges and one of them is that I come home brain dead and exhausted at the end of every day. I know, woe is me. Tell that to my 5 month ago self who was unemployed. That self would probably slap me upside the head right now if she could. I'm grateful. Truly. But tired.

* There is *more* to blood banking than I ever imagined was possible.
* There is way more HIPAA crap to cover than should be allowed. I am HIPAA'd out now.
* There are a lot of opportunities to screw up someone's blood donation and thereby have it be chucked into biohazard by the lab and I do NOT want to make one of those mistakes. The reality is that it happens sometimes and to just be careful but I really, really do not want to be responsible for that.
* My Hgb levels are low (of course). 11.8 today. Terrible.
* I don't want to take supplements but the very well-balanced mostly veg diet that I eat is not enough for me to keep my iron levels up. Could be part of the reason I'm so tired.
* Looks like I need to consider supplements. Might not be a bad idea--not for the vitamins so much although I can tell you that we all need a higher intake of vit. D.
* The news makes me sad. I don't even want to read the Sunday NYT anymore. The effing Dems can't get their shit together to pass decent legislation without spending eons on it and the GOP fights everything the Dems try to pass just to be contrary. Fck you, Congress.
* I can't get the dog to take a poo for a stool sample when it's convenient for me to then drive the sample to the vet and get it there within 24 hrs of when their lab comes to pick up specimens. One of the challenges of being a one car household. Blarg.
* I am learning loads of good stuff at my new job and am really excited to go to work every morning. Also, the benefits are stellar. Free public transportation as long as I have my employee ID on me, tuition stipends, free access to any of the 3 gyms on campus, up to $300 tax-deductible cash back for participating in the employee BeWell program and includes free cholesterol, BMI, skin caliper, etc. testing.
* Everyone is really nice and there's a very friendly atmosphere around the workplace. I like that.
* I'm tired. I have to get up at 5 am tomorrow so it's time for bed. More soon.

6.28.2010

Whew! They liked me...

I had a good first day at one of my new jobs--the private practice. As it turn out, I'll be working 3 part time jobs for the foreseeable future. I'll keep working part time at my friend's office, I'll be working part time at the private practice and then 50% time at the blood center. I start work at the blood center next week. I'm kind of freaked out by it all, to be honest.

It's a huge responsibility to be a nurse and to not only remember what you learned about pathophysiology and treatment but also meds, side effects and then staying current on treatments and therapies. Frankly, it's intimidating. And I realize that I'm going to have to start putting in time with my med-surg books and reading up on patho. Now, I don't really need this for the blood center--not necessarily. That should be pretty straight-forward: healthy people who aren't IV drug users or who have sex for money, etc. Of course, there is that whole issue of not allowing gay men to donate blood. It's very unfortunate but blood centers nation-wide are currently not willing to budge on this issue. But, not a lot of patho there and meds are pretty much limited to blood thinners and cancer treatments. And on top of it, I need to do venipuncture which I have not done since December. Oy.

So...3 part time jobs. That seems like it's going to be a lot. My schedule will vary from week to week but I'm grateful to be working and getting different work experiences is a good thing. Plus earning extra money is helpful--the loan repayment starts now and the dog needs to have her teeth cleaned at the end of summer. And my crock pot crapped out on us last night and needs to be thrown away and replaced with a new one. If it's not one thing, it's another, right? Anyway, it's going to be a very busy summer as I get started with my new jobs and get settled into a new routine. Don't be surprised if you don't hear from me very much over the next month.

6.21.2010

Tomorrow is a big day...

Tomorrow I am doing the first day of a 2-day "try out" at a private internal medicine practice in Menlo. One of the M.D.'s is the wife of one of the Tall Man's co-worker's and they are in need of yet another part-time PRN (as needed) nurse. So, I interviewed and tomorrow is my first day. My new permanent job at the blood center doesn't start until the beginning of July so I am still working part time for my friend which makes it all the better to do my trial run at this new practice now. Except that now I have to show up and do a job as a nurse. Holy crap.

Folks, in case you missed it, I have been unemployed for a long time and have not done any *nursing-type work* since December. Um...yeah. That's a long time to go without doing any work, you know. Not that I haven't dispensed nursing advice (at the request of others, of course, except for unsolicited cautioning about using sunscreen and staying hydrated in the heat) but it's not the same as putting skills and critical thinking into practice. I mean, I actually have to check BPs and pulse rates and ask people why they are being seen today and filter that information through my nursing brain and then give injections and talk about med interactions. Can I just tell you that I don't remember a single damned med from nursing school? I am screwed, I tell you.

So, today I will hunt down my stethoscope (which I finally got engraved with my initials--sharpie rubs off with alcohol wipes), dust off my "cootie" watch and go buy some scrub pants that are 1.) not white and 2.) fit. Also, the shoes. I refuse to wear my shoes from school and those bad boys are headed for the trash can. I could recycle them but they are covered in cooties so I am not going to do that. So, shoe shopping. And then I'm going to refresh myself on some skills and look over some meds. Typical stuff like blood pressure, cholesterol and cardiac meds.

Don't get me wrong: I'm excited about doing this and looking forward to such a great opportunity to expand my work experience but it's a little scary and I also really hope I do a good job and they'll want to hire me. It will only ever me a PRN position, which is fine, but I want the experience and the extra money is good, too. In some ways, I'm a little bit glad I didn't get a bedside position because frankly, right now I would be crapping my pants. For realz, as the kids say. On the other hand, I wish I was getting more bedside experience but that's not how it worked out. And I have the rest of my career to return to the bedside if I wish. The whole thing is just so weird. When I started nursing school I didn't really know how it would all turn out--I just assumed I'd be at the bedside at some hospital and would figure it out from there. Except life doesn't work out that way and especially not during a time where there is a significant shortage and yet hospitals have their heads up their asses about hiring and orienting new grads.

But here I am and I'm finally moving on with my life with a shiny new career. Nothing can change the fact that I made it through school, passed my boards and have those fabulous initials behind my name: RN. So, this RN better get her rear in gear and start getting ready for tomorrow. It's going to be a big day.

6.13.2010

I like to complicate things...

That's what the Tall Man would tell you. Apparently it's never enough for me to just go with the flow as we transition from one thing to another without me wanting to make our lives more complicated. Significantly more complicated. Like, not in the way of "Oh, I think we could use some new throw pillows on the couch, let's go pick some out" but "I think we should adopt another dog. Esme needs a companion."

Seriously, what am I thinking? Okay, I'm thinking with my heart, not my head. All those dogs out there who need a loving home...it just makes me tear up thinking about it. And this is why I started volunteering at the food bank instead of the local animal shelter BECAUSE I WOULD BRING HOME A DOG (OR TWO OR THREE) AND MY HUSBAND WOULD KILL ME. No danger about adopting cats, tho. We're waaayyyyy too allergic for that.

But, no, we aren't getting a dog in case you were wondering. I was just thinking about it. My temp job is keeping me plenty busy and my new job starts in 2 weeks and I have no idea what my schedule will be so there is definitely no chance we'll adopt another dog right now. Instead I start to focus on other things like wanting to buy a townhouse and buying new furniture. We're not doing that either but I like to talk Michael's ear off about how we need better shelving units and I don't want to wait until we buy a house (we're 2 years and lots o' student debt away from that) to buy new shelving units. But then there's that whole thing about buying for the space you're in vs. the future one you hope to occupy that you hope will have more sq. footage. We still have a need but this is hardly a major priority right now.

And then there's the online spanish class I want to sign up for that starts this week. It's a 6-wk course and frankly, it would be good to get started but there's this new job thing and life stuff. Sigh...maybe I should wait until the August session to start. The class isn't going anywhere. But, see? I want to do 5 million things at once because I'm not happy unless I'm running myself ragged. Why do I do that? Poor Michael. He always bears the brunt of these things. And improving my conversational spanish skills are totally important!

There's also the fitness clinic on Wednesday nights and tennis on Friday nights and Sunday afternoons. Michael has soccer 2x a week and the dog has grown accustomed to long walks on a regular basis. Still have to fit all that in. And the cooking. Well, I can tell you that this summer will include lots of grain/veg/pasta salads and/or sandwiches and/or tomatoes with corn on the cob because it is too damned hot to cook. Yeah, yeah, low humidity and all that but we do NOT have air conditioning here and I am not going to sweat my ass off over the stove. That means no pizza unless it's less than 80 degrees outside. Or we turn on the grill. Which reminds me that we really should look into a gas grill. Charcoal takes too long.

We also do fun social things, too, like bike rides in Monterey or over the Golden Gate Bridge and go to museums and things and so we really don't have time for new hobbies, new dogs or really anything new but my job. And you can see that we have plenty going on around here. Note to self: we have plenty going on around here. Don't make life more complicated than it needs to be.

I'll report back and let you know how that works out.

5.31.2010

Thoughts on Memorial Day...

I'm not sure how many people know that my dad is a Vietnam veteran. It's not a secret or anything; it's just not something he talks about. At least not with us. I'm sure his co-workers must know but, again, I doubt he talks about it much. Both he and his brother served in the war although my uncle enlisted in the Navy before he could be drafted and my dad was eventually drafted into the Army. I do know he was shot and he has a small scar on the back of his leg as a physical reminder. He almost never wears shorts, tho, so you'd never have the opportunity to see it.

There are some vets who like to talk about their time in the service and those who don't. My dad is in the latter camp. But then, he's what you'd call a "still water that runs deep." A few years ago my mom was going through some boxes and came across some stuff that belonged to my dad. There were some photos of him as an adolescent and certificates from bowling tournaments and old report cards. There were also some letters he had written to his family while he was in Vietnam. And while I won't get into the specifics of what he wrote, it made me unbearably sad to read these letters. He was always really upbeat in what he wrote but to this day I still grieve for the young man he was when he went off to war. The son who asked his mom to please send him a package with brownies because the MREs were so nasty. This person whose life was forever changed by that tour of duty...fighting a war that was needless and stupid.

Looking through the contents of the box my mom gave me I wasn't sure if I should or would read the letters. After all, he wouldn't know if I did or not. I can only presume that he came into possession of them at some point when my grandmother was moved into a nursing home due to advancing dementia from Alzheimer's back in the early 90s. Or maybe one of his sisters found them and gave them to him. Either way, they found their way into a box that got carried on and off of many a moving truck over the years before finding themselves in my temporary possession.

Ultimately I decided to read them before passing along the folder of his belongings. I didn't let Michael read them nor did I tell my brother about them. And I didn't tell my dad that I read them. But I think about them and the person he was back then and the person he might have become had he not gotten drafted and sent off to war. And then I think about the other vets and those who never made it back. What might their lives had been like if they'd never gone off to war? That is what I think about on Memorial Day. Not sales at Macy's or trips to the beach. I think about people like my dad and wonder what might have been.

5.29.2010

Job!

It's been a few days since I got my job offer at a place that I am not going to mention here lest I be "dooced." I'd hate for that to happen before I even get started. So, we'll just refer to is as the job I have, doing the work I do at the place where work-type things occur, yeah? Also, the facility name does not lend itself so nicely to switching around letters such that we end up with the Hiami Merald (Hee! I still laugh at that one). And I didn't post it on fcbook because I didn't want to rub it in the faces of my classmates who still don't have jobs. Not that I would go out of my way to rub it in their faces but I don't even want to give the impression of doing such a thing because it sucks to find out that yet another person got a job and your sorry ass is still plugging away at job apps.

Anyway, it's very exciting and I can hardly wait to start in July. My paperwork arrived the other day so it all feels very official now. I mailed back my offer acceptance today and will need to schedule an appointment next week with occupational health to get a physical and TB test, etc. In the meantime, I'll be working 3 days a week for my friend at her chiro practice in Menlo Park and I might be picking up some part time work in a private medical practice also in Menlo. I just want to learn as much as I can and get as much experience as possible so that I can be prepared for whatever the next step will be in my career. It's never too early to be thinking about the next step although what a relief it is to finally have this first job as an RN. Yay!

Am I disappointed that it's not a bedside position? Mmmm, not exactly. Only 50% of nurses are at the bedside and the other 50% are in the community or private practice or schools or occupational health, etc. I think it's a good starting point for me and I'm perfectly happy to be doing what I'll be doing. I'll get to work with the public and a very healthy public at that. I'll be out in the community and meeting new people all the time and I like that. And I'll be trained to be a charge nurse which is a supervisory position and is great for enhancing my leadership skills. It's a good thing, as Martha would say.

And now I'm suddenly hit by this massive rush to get things done around the house before I start work. On Wednesday I finally hacked back the rose bushes in the front yard and pulled weeds/invasive grass species from the front beds. Yesterday I washed and ironed curtains. I still want to scrub down the fridge, remove the glass top from the dining room table and clean both sides of it and polish the table top, steam the creases out of the living room curtains, get the area rug professionally cleaned, vacuum under the bed and sofas, consider making slipcovers for the sofas and planting flowers in the front beds. Is that enough stuff on my "honey do" list? I also need to take another pile of stuff to G00dwill, take the sideboard runner to the dry cleaner (a lemon molded on top of it--ick) and buy tomato plants and pot them. So much to do and so little time.

Oh, did I mention that I'm going to be volunteering at the food bank? I'm excited to do that. I'm going on Tuesday to check out one of the opportunities they offered. I think it will be fun and I'm looking forward to it. I'm sure my husband probably thinks I'm trying to do too much but I've been feeling restless of late and I think all these new opportunities will be good for me. We'll find out soon enough, won't we? I'll go from being home all day to being gone all day and the dog will probably think I've abandoned her. And the cooking! Time to dust off the crock pot and hunt down recipes for tasty summer salads. Good things are coming, I can just feel it.

5.25.2010

Making your body the solution...

Wow...the last post elicited a lot of off-line discussion and, let's face it, feelings about our *body issues* are often times lurking right under the surface. And conversations about body issues can be difficult because not everyone shares the same *problems* or *issues* but I think it's safe to say that many of us struggle and we probably have more in common than we might think. Unless you are in a room full of runners and you are most decidedly NOT a runner. That happened last Wednesday at a nutrition seminar I attended but, still, I'm pretty fit and care about exercise and so do the runners. And we had a lot of the same questions about nutrition so, see? Common ground.

Which brings me to the solutions part. What is the solution, exactly? How do you get there? What happens when you get "there"? Where is "there"? Okay, here's the thing. "There" doesn't really exist as an end point. Like, oh, I lost X pounds and wore that cute black dress to my high school reunion/wore a tankini in Hawaii/looked good on my wedding day and now I'm done. "There" is every day, eating as healthfully as possible, being active and not getting down on yourself for not looking like someone you saw on the front cover of a magazine. The good news is that every day you get another chance to do the right thing by your body and eat right, get some exercise and try not to get overly stressed. The bad news is that sometimes that is very hard. And when you are in a stressful time period, say in school or working on some crazy project at work or taking care of ailing parents or whatever, it is really hard to do the things we know are good for us. But that's life. Life is frequently complicated and hard and you find yourself managing the chaos some days better than others. That being said, here's what I've found to be helpful along the way:

* Remember that magazine covers are photoshopped--extensively
* Remember that the people on said covers are usually celebrities with wads of cash to spend on personal trainers and chefs and, whatever, their job is to look good, ergo they work out a lot and eat lots of brown rice and 4 oz of boneless, skinless chicken breast dinners (the exception being "fitness models" who also work out a lot but are not necessarily celebrities)
* Remember that even celebrities with spectacular bodies are photoshopped
* Find exercise/activities that you enjoy so you'll be more likely to want to do them and be active
* Even if you can't afford/don't want to join a gym, you can use workout DVDs at home with some hand weights, resistance bands and a squishy yoga mat if you have hardwood floors. That's what I did and I'm still doing it. It's pretty cheap ($10 for a DVD from amazon.com) and you can work out in the privacy of your own home
* The library often has workout DVDs you can check out to see if you like them enough to buy them and there are free workouts and videos on the internets
* Practice mindful eating which means limit distractions (this is difficult, I know, and I am a hard-core newspaper reader while I eat), take 20 minutes to eat (yes, 20 minutes) and cook as many whole foods as you can in your own kitchen
* Ignore the hype about super foods, supplements, blah, blah, blah. It's a lot of marketing and usually not a lot of good science. Eat a well-balanced diet with lots of food diversity and generally you'll be okay. This advice obviously does not apply to those trying to conceive, currently pregnant or breast feeding, immune compromised or under a doctor's supervision for a health problem.
* Read the labels of every single item you put in your grocery cart. Minimally processed foods are best
* Read up. I recommend Marion Nestle, Spark People and reputable websites run by the NIH and Mayo Clinic
* Pat yourself on the back. Repeat

5.17.2010

My body is not the problem...

It is the solution. It's my new mantra and it's one that I have to repeat often. For so long I have regarded my body as a "frenemy" and it's not working out anymore. In fact, it's just down right self-defeating.

The thing is, I've been doing all the right things: eating well-balanced and nutritious meals, getting plenty of exercise and taking in plenty of fluids. Many years ago when I first did Wt Watchers, I cut down on soda (diet soda tastes disgusting so I wasn't even going to go there) and stopped taking sugar in my coffee. And I started putting more thought into what I put in my mouth. And over the next few years I lost about 5 more lbs beyond my goal weight and stayed at that weight for a long time. Somewhere in there I started eating a mostly vegetarian diet, and I say "mostly" because bacon was my downfall nearly every time. Mmmmm.... bacon.

In 2008 we moved to CA and I had my choice of fabulous produce that was freshly picked and displayed so tantalizingly at the weekly farmers markets. We ate even more veg and fruit and it was all so good for us. That December I decided to make exercising a regular part of my weekly activities and have managed to stick with it ever since. I do mostly low-fat cooking at home (along with some rather tasty full-fat baking on occasion) and we have continued to follow a mostly vegetarian diet. I started engaging in mindful eating and investigating the cause of a hunger pang--am I thirsty (the hypothalamus regulates both hunger and thirst and your body may interpret a signal for more fluids as hunger), am I hungry or am I bored?--before automatically assuming I'm hungry. I serve myself appropriate portion sizes on smaller plates and in smaller bowls so that I know I'm not putting more food in the vessel to merely fill up the space available. Also, I know that if it's on the plate I'll eat it so I have to be mindful when I'm at a restaurant or, good lord, Chipotle.

So, I've done all of these things and I've lost a good bit of weight and buffed up some muscles. And yet I'm never happy with the result. Even though my scale shows a number that I don't ever remember seeing (I swear I was just jumped from little kid sizes to size 10 in the juniors dept) and I'm wearing smalls and mediums and a pants size that I NEVER thought I would see, I'm still not happy. All I see is the poochy part of my lower abdomen or the saddle bags or the droopy boobs and I don't see the muscles that allow me to live an active life. And that is not cool.

So I decided that I was not going to let myself focus on the various fat deposits that remain and instead try to enjoy what I do have. I have a strong body that can run down a tennis ball like nobody's business, that can play two hours of tennis and then go home and do hours of yard work (I was exhausted by the end) and that looks pretty cute in clothes*. And I'm going to keep on doing the good things and try to focus less on what I can't do or what I don't look like and instead focus on all that I can do. Which is a lot. Thank you, body of mine, for doing such a good job. Keep up the good work (gives self a pat on the back).

*droopy boobs notwithstanding. Seriously, WTF? Thank god for push-up bras, is all I can say.

5.11.2010

Date night with the Tall Man and a trip down memory lane...

And, hey, I changed my template and background! What think ye, dear internets?

So, the Tall Man decided we should have a proper date night: dinner and movie. We haven't done that in a while. Not that we don't like to go out to dinner or go see movies but I like cooking at home and most of the time there aren't any movies we want to see.

Well, it just so happened there was a movie we wanted to see so we got in the car, went for some tasty mexican food by the theater and then we saw Date Night. Oh, lord, it was funny. I heart Tina Fey and Steve Carrell! But before the movie started, they showed the requisite 20 minutes of previews, one of which for for the A-Team. And all the kiddies sitting near us are in high school and have absolutely no recollection of when the A-Team was a tv show and Mr. T said "I pity the fool..." This suddenly makes me feel old. But whatever, maybe this movie will be good because it has Liam Neeson and, well, it has to be decent, right? Liam Neeson!

And then the movie starts. They make various pop culture references like "Long Duk Dong" from 16 Candles and only Michael and I are laughing. This happened repeatedly throughout the movie. So I really start to feel old. Except I'm not old (don't let those under-eye wrinkles fool you). But, boy, I felt like it.

And it's moments like these where I find myself taking a little trip down memory lane and thinking about how old I was when I first (fill in the blank) or what year XYZ song was popular. Or, most recently, I was mailing Angie's birthday present and I was remembering the year that Gwen, Craig and I made her this godawful funfetti cake with funfetti icing and it was so unbelievably ugly. We decorated it with blue and yellow frosting and then gave ourselves mustaches and goatees with the leftovers. And do you know how long ago that was? A long time ago. Like, 17 years ago, I think. God, that cake was ugly (sorry, Ang) but we had a good time making it.

But, anyway, back to date night. We had a nice time. It was fun to go out on a date with my husband where someone else cooked and cleaned up after us and then we went to see a movie. We really should have date night more often.

5.06.2010

An FAQ sheet I want to staple to my forehead...

I have been *officially* unemployed for 3 months now. Technically it's been 4 months but I don't count the month of January since I spent the entire month preparing for my boards. Thus, I have spent the last 3 months applying for and being rejected for RN jobs in CA and other states. I have been networking and meeting new people and trying not to sound as bitter as I feel on the inside. I know people mean well and often just don't know what to say. But, folks, now I'm at the point where I am going to rip my arm off and beat myself senseless with it if I have to explain. One. More. Time. Why I am an unemployed RN.

That seems a bit...drastic, yes? So, perhaps an FAQ I could staple to my effing forehead would be a bit more appropriate. After the obligatory "I'm looking for work" intro, I'm thinking it should go something like this:

But you're a NURSE! Isn't there a shortage?

(Sigh...) Yes, there is still a shortage in parts of the country but hospitals are clamping down on expenses and training a graduate nurse is expensive. Hospitals would rather pay a travel nurse who can start right away and not need any training short of a 2 day orientation to how *that* hospital operates, protocols, etc.

But all you hear about in the news is that health care is recession-proof...

The reality is that the recession has hurt many workers including nurses and their families. Nurses who were planning to retire have delayed doing so because their retirement accounts tanked and/or their spouse was laid off and they need the income. Additionally, many nurses who might have left one hospital for another have stayed in their current position until the economy improves. Due to these factors, hospitals have not been forced to hire new grads since so many experienced nurse have stuck around.

Have you tried talking to So-and-so? His wife is a doctor at XYZ hospital?

Yes, I have talked to his wife and the hospital she works for is not hiring new graduates. Knowing a doctor can be a useful connection but it is rare that a doctor can influence a hiring a decision unless the hospital is willing to hire a new grad.

Have you tried looking at doctor's offices/surgery centers/clinics?


Yes, of course I have. They aren't hiring either. No one wants to take the time or spend the money to train a new grad when there are experienced nurses whom they'd rather hire.

What about a nursing home?


(Smacks self in face). Well, there's a lot of stigma against nurses who work in nursing homes (skilled nursing facility or SNF is the preferred term) and many hospitals will not hire a nurse who came from a SNF. I don't know why that it is the case but it's something to keep in mind. Also, nurses supervise a lot of unlicensed assistive personnel in SNFs and it's her/his license on the line when something goes wrong. Frankly, I'm not comfortable going to a SNF at this time.

Well, isn't St@nford hiring? I mean, gosh, their hospital is huge!

Well, for one thing, no, they aren't hiring. Earlier this year they received 750 applications for 10 slots, interviewed 100 applicants and hired 7 of them. They currently have no plans to hire another cohort of new grads at this time. Also, they are doing something particularly horrible to the nurses currently employed there and given what I know about the situation, I'm not sure that hospital system is a very nice place to work even if they were hiring.

Oh, well, you're smart, I'm sure you'll find something.

That's very kind of you to say. There are thousands of new grads like me who are smart who are also unemployed.

The end.

Blarg. See? I sound bitter. And the longer I remain unemployed the more bitter I become and the more attractive the military starts to look. I mean, hell, they pay good wages and they offer loan forgiveness. I just don't want my ass shipped to Baghdad no matter how good of an experience I would get. I don't know. Maybe it really is time to say "fuck it," stop looking and wait tables. Happy National Nurses Week.

4.13.2010

Nuthin' to say...

That's the reality of my life at the moment. I'm either doing some sort of housework/yardwork/cooking/laundry/etc. or searching for/applying to jobs. It's pretty boring. And, no, there's no news on the job front. Of my classmates who have jobs, half of them took jobs out of state. Like Texas. Sheesh.

Anyway, the weather here has been rainy and cool so I haven't been spending much time outdoors. Last year the rain stopped in early March. Not that I'm complaining--I think it should keep on raining. The longer it rains, the less I have to water our grass and landscaping. Of course, it means the weeds grow like, well, weeds and there will be more pulling of the evil bastards once the rain stops. Oh well, it keeps me busy and gets me away from the computer for a while.

But, like I said, not much to say. Other than I wish the ever elusive Job Fairy would pay me a visit. Like any day now. That would be super helpful. Thanks in advance, Job Fairy.

3.12.2010

A little bit of success with a dash of fail...

I won't even go into my hard drive crashing last night in the middle of a job app. Or that the repair people aren't sure they can resurrect the damn thing. And that it will cost a couple hundred bucks to find out either way and I *still* need to shell out another hundred for a new hard drive. That or buy a new laptop. Yeah, we're not going to do that. I already promised Michael that he could buy a new laptop as soon as I get a job. *When* I get a job. *If* I get a job. Sheesh.

Anyway, I've been keeping busy with job apps and yard work and cooking and baking my way through about a million bookmarked recipes. Many of my tasty finds can be found over here. There have been trials of really good recipes and then there have been some food fails along the way. Honestly, that doesn't happen very often but when it does, boy, is it spectacular.

Recent fails include a bread recipe and not double checking to make sure I didn't need to grease the loaf pan before putting the dough in it. Oops. I had to pry that sucker out of the pan and then ripped some fairly large chunks out in the process. I was able to salvage almost all of the loaf and it tasted really good so it was okay in the end. Still, a forgetting-to-grease-the-pan-first fail. Bad.

Then there was the lemon bar recipe wherein I wanted to add some blueberries between the shortbread and lemon curd. Except that I didn't think about the moisture content of the berries and did not think to thaw,rinse and drain them first. Oh, shit, this was a massive fail. For one thing, I managed to slop some of the batter onto my oven door and it baked on to the glass. Then, by the time it was cooked through, the curd was overcooked on the top, the middle was this nasty curdled looking purplish stuff and the shortbread just could not be saved. I had to dump the whole thing in the trash and start over. It was even decent enough to take to Michael's office. It looked like the dog's breakfast, as my FIL likes to say.

Today, I had another fail but not one of disastrous proportions. I wanted to get a head start on the luncheon I'm preparing for Michael's birthday next week and I thought I would go ahead and bake the cake and then freeze it until Monday. The recipe I used was fine but I used cake pans that were just a smidge too small and now I have these huge domed cake rounds that are cracked to high heaven. I was planning on making a devil's food cake with choc. buttercream but I think I'm now making chocolate blackout cake. I'm going to cut the top parts of the cake off and break them into small crumbs. After I frost the remaining cake layers, I'll press the cake crumbs into the side and voila! Chocolate blackout cake. Not the end of the world but also not what I was going for. Michael won't care and wouldn't even think anything of it if I hadn't typed it up here for the world to see. At least with this one, I can make lemonade out of my lemons. It's sort of like a mystery fail. No one will know but me.

2.26.2010

Hey, jealousy...

While I am genuinely happy for my classmates who have gotten interviews and the few that have been fortunate enough to get jobs already I can't help but feel a bit jealous. Granted, one of my classmates was already working at a hospital as an ER tech and he had an automatic job as an RN as soon as he got his license. The other one got a job at the nursery in a women's prison but that had as much to do with his background as a social worker as anything else. Bu, still, they have jobs that are local and are contributing to the family income.

Another classmate got a job offer this morning. It's at a SNF...I'm not jealous of the job itself but that she got an offer and I have nothing. Hell, she's never had a job before and I have 10 years of professional experience. Durr. I know, maybe I should just march my ass over to a SNF right now and try to get hired. Except that I know that SNFs can be a dangerous place for RNs and I don't want to lose my license. SNFs are notoriously understaffed and what people don't realize is that LPNs and UAPs (unlicensed assistive personnel) are under the supervision of the RN. If they make a mistake or don't turn a patient who develops some crazy ass decubitus ulcer that rapidly becomes stage IV and starts tunneling, guess whose ass is on the line? Also, hiring managers come right out and tell you they won't hire you if you came from a SNF. But, damn, it feels like being caught between a rock and a hard place. And yet, I'm still jealous. What the hell? This just feels like 2001 all over again.

2.24.2010

Demoralizing to say the least...

#1) Looking for a job in this market when NO ONE wants to hire new grads. Or they might consider it if they have to but even then they only have one position available. And then spending hours and hours filling out online applications including writing a cover letter and submitting to a mandatory background and credit check and then the website crashing and my computer decides to shut down and install some updates and now my job application is utterly lost as are all the tabs I had open in Firef0x. Sobbing into phone to husband who feels so badly for me he comes home half an hour early and then goes to pick up Chip0tle for dinner. That part was good.

#2) Trying on and purchasing fat smoothing undergarments to wear under the dress I bought for Michael's company holiday party this Saturday. I came home and tried it on under my dress and it looks really nice but, blarg, I hate this kind of stuff. Squishing one's imperfections with crazy undergarments, etc. a la Bridget Jones is occasionally a must if one wants to wear something formfitting. I'm okay with that part. It's the shopping for it that I find so insufferable. For one thing, it feels like you're trying to wriggle into a sausage casing. For another, it was not cheap but on the other hand I'll have it for a long time and can wear it under other dresses when fat smoothing becomes necessary. And, hey, the dress was only $20 and it's really cute.

See that? I'm trying to find some sort of silver lining. I know there are unemployed people out there who have it way worse than I do but I don't live their lives--I live mine--and keeping perspective is harder on some days than on others.

2.18.2010

I remember when...

There was a time when I didn't say things like "I remember when..." like some rambling old person who was born back in the time of Christ. Just kidding, I love me some old people. But really, I think I say "I remember when..." or "When I was in college [the first time]..." way more than I used to.

Technology and tech applications are so different than they used to be. Last night I picked out a new cell phone because I am an idiot and fatally wounded my latest replacement. I told they guy to show me the phones that old people buy. And I was being completely serious. Well, almost. I did pick one of those phones but at least I didn't pick the model with the enormous number buttons. Phones are just so complicated these days. I just want one that calls people and lets me send text messages. And I wasn't eligible for one of the slider phones with the QWERTY keyboard because I refuse to pay for a data plan. Or an increased text messaging plan. Remember when you just made phone calls with your phone? Remember the time before cell phones? Geez, that just seems so long ago.

And then there's the job search. Using the internet is nice in a lot of ways and facilitates the search part but it makes applying for jobs hell on earth. I remember when you printed out your resume, typed up a cover letter and drove over to Kink0's to fax your documents. Now, you apply on line and it takes hours to get through one application process. And, as happened yesterday, I was issued an instantaneous rejection letter via email within seconds of submitting my app. Seconds, people, seconds. That's kind of demoralizing. Sigh...I don't know, it just seems like it shouldn't be this hard of a process nor such a long one. And it makes me long for the days of faxing documents from Kink0's.

2.15.2010

The struggle to maintain a balanced diet...

Prompted in part by this interesting article on Salon.com today. But then, I regularly think of nutrition and proper eating and getting exercise and the like but some days it's harder than others. Especially since I've entered the unemployed phase (again) of my life. Cooking and baking are among several of my hobbies and since I'm not working, I've been doing more of both. Well, I've been cooking all this time or else we would have eaten little more than Annie's Mac & Cheese, pierogies or Chip0tle. But now I have lots more time to spend in my kitchen and here's a sampling of what I've made: Mississippi Mud Balls, Cherry Chocolate Biscotti, Shortbread Cookies, Lemon Frozen Yogurt, Pecan and Chocolate Covered English Toffee, Granola and Lemon Cake.

Yes, I've cooked food somewhere in there. You know, stuff with vegetables and all. And I sent most of what I baked in to Michael's office and some of it went with Michael when he left to visit his parents. Except the granola. It's in the oven now and it's not leaving this house. Anyway, baking is so much fun and so is tasting what you make. And I am a taster. I taste all the time. That's part of the problem, you see. Then I taste the finished product. And it's always good if I do say so myself. But after the baking is over and the goodies are packed away, they call to me. I can hear them through the tupperware or the freezer or where ever they are stored. And that, my friends, is the problem. That's why this stuff goes to Michael's office.

And then there's the bread making I made as one of my goals for the year. I've baked two batches so far and both were quite good. Both were also made with whole wheat flour. I like wheat bread anyway so that's no sacrifice. But the finished product just tastes so good that I would almost eat it to the exclusion of my dinner. Maybe I need to find some new hobbies that keep me out of the kitchen. Or maybe I need to hang out with Jillian and Bob more often (not like I don't hang out with them enough already). Or maybe I should wear a H@nnibal Lect0r mask while I bake. Or, maybe, I should get a damned job already.

2.05.2010

Life maintenance part bazillion...

Folks, I am catching up on months of life maintenance here and it feels like I'll never get to the end of the list of things to do. And the list is long. But I am making progress so that's a good thing. In fact, we finally got a major project done and I'm very pleased. We cleaned out our garage and while we'll never be able to park our car in it (almost no one around here parks in their garage--it's like a storage unit attached to your house), we can get to stuff and there's space to spread out laundry baskets and the like.

I'm also working on selling some things. Mostly books from school and a few other things as well. But that is a time suck like I never imagined. It really takes time to sit there a post all these books to am@zon.c0m and then pick a price that isn't too high and not too low. And in an effort to avoid having to ship all of them (there's probably 15 books or so), I'm trying to sell a few of them to the ABSN cohort that started in January. That way all I have to do it drive 30 miles to campus and unload them all at once. I'm still hoping someone might want to buy my scrubs but no word so far on that. Otherwise, those awful things are going in the trash. I don't mind white scrubs per se but these did not fit terribly well, didn't have enough pockets and also have the school's logo on them. As I am no longer a student nurse, I don't intend to dress like one.

All work and no play makes Kelly a dull person so I've been scheduling some fun activities. I met some friends from nursing school for dinner and drinks, Michael and I went to a Super Bowl Top Chef party, I've been reading books (real books for fun!) and we've been watching season 1 of 6 Feet Under. It's been good. The job thing is hanging over my head but I'm giving myself a few more days of decompression and life maintenance before I really kick the search into high gear. But today is about fun. I'm picking up Greg Plotner in the city and we're going to do some sightseeing before he heads to the airport. Today I get to stop and smell the roses and I'm grateful for the opportunity.

2.03.2010

Almost Wordless Wednesday...




This is my friend Janice from school who came over for dinner to join in our celebration of passing the NCLEX. I know the photo needs some editing but I haven't figured out how to do that yet. The champagne was nice and chilled and we had a good time. Cheers!

2.02.2010

2009 Recap...

As always, I'm late with posting so just ignore the fact that it's Feb. 2nd already. Technically, I started this on Jan. 10th.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?

Attended and graduated from an accelerated bachelors in nursing program. Learning that medicine has to have a special name for every bodily function. You can’t just say nose bleed you have to say “epistaxis.” Bed-wetting is “enuresis.” And gall bladder removal is “cholecystectomy.” I could go on and on about this but nursing school is pretty much all I did during 2009 so we’ll just leave it at that.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

They were more like goals than resolutions but I met most of them. My container gardening experiment went south when the damned squirrels started digging up all my plants despite my efforts to fence everything in. Stupid squirrels. I did not manage to make bread from scratch until last weekend and I had a bit of a bread fail. I’ll work on that. And we did go to Hawaii for Christmas, so check!

I did make 2 resolutions for 2010: no talking on the cell phone while driving (not even with my ear bud) and doing less multi-tasking. I make myself nutty with too much multi-tasking so it’s time to cut back a bit.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes. I don’t want to talk about it.

5. What countries did you visit?

None. Again. But that was expected this year. I did however go to Atlanta and Hawaii and I rather enjoyed myself. Besides, with Hawaii, it feels like you’re going to another county because it’s unlike anywhere in the contiguous U.S. Even Florida. Florida may have palm trees but it does not have huge blobs of lava rock everywhere.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

Um, a job? Hello, Universe, it’s me again. I’m unemployed. Again. I need a job. Preferably one in California, please. Also, more time to read. And I don’t just mean textbooks and nursing journals. More Sundays spent reading the NYT drinking coffee with my husband.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

There are many but in an attempt to focus on the more positive events, I’ll just note that 1/5/09 was the first day of school and 12/6/09 was my Pinning ceremony and 12/20/09 was my last day of preceptorship at the hospital.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

See #1.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Getting a B+ in Maternity. Ok, really, in the long run, not such a failure. That class was f’ing hard. In the beginning of the year, I had a hard time keeping grades and things in perspective. I started doing a better job of it in the fall. Maybe that had to do with the fact that I was tired of being in school and my can of care was running low.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

2 sinus infections and horrible neck spasms that rendered me pretty helpless while Michael was 2,000 miles away visiting his parents. That sucked.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Underwear that fits. Brand new sneakers for the first time in 5 years. What was I thinking?

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Michael. He has been a total rock star and I could not have made it through this year without him. Or any year, for that matter. Because he’s awesome.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Well, we finally rid ourselves of Bush but his wrongdoings live on. Also, the Republicans and Joe Fcking Lieberman. Seriously, why are you trying to sabotage health care reform? What the hell is wrong with you?

14. Where did most of your money go?

Since I was unemployed, I did not make any money. :<

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Our vacation. It was long overdue.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

I don’t know. I’ll have to think about this one. Probably any song by Lady Gaga because she's always on the radio whenever I switch over to the music stations.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? about the same
b) thinner or fatter? thinner
c) richer or poorer? I’m, like, negative poor. I’m in debt to the gov’t and the bank. Boo.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Leisurely reading but, hey, that was a pipe dream anyway. Unless I could suddenly learn to live on only 4 hours of sleep. Um, yoga. I really should have done more of that. Taking what blessedly few breaks from school that I had and really trying to relax instead of running a mile a minute to do life maintenance. Also, loving on my husband. And I don’t mean just the naked tango, people.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Freaking out about grades. Getting worked up by classmates who cheat because they won’t be able to cheat on the NCLEX. Good luck passing that one. And, as always, worrying. I worry about everything. It’s not always very helpful.

20. How will you be spending did you spend Christmas?

In Hawaii. We went on a walk down the coastline and watched the surfers for a bit. Later we went to a luau and had some pretty tasty food. The poi was okay. Pretty starchy. Also? Mai Tais are good. So is a well made pina colada.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

House. I love me some Hugh Laurie. Also, I particularly enjoy the Daily Show and the Colbert Report. It was easy to watch the occasional 21 min. show on the C C website without commercials. It was a nice little break from studying.

25. What was the best book you read?

Ha! 20 textbooks, maybe? Okay, I really only got to read, like, 2 books this year. I read Kitchen Confidential and loved it. Also, another book in the Outlander series, Drums of Autumn. Mostly I read the NYT. Even then I usually only got through the Style section and the magazine.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?

KCSM 91.1, the local jazz station. I just love the really mellow jazz they play from 6-9pm on weeknights.

27. What did you want and get?

To get through nursing school without losing my sanity. There were a few close calls. But also, I made some new friends. It helps make California feel more home-like when you have friends. Visits to the weekly farmers markets and if I couldn’t go, Michael did so we still got to eat really awesome fresh produce every week.

28. What did you want and not get?

Universal health care. A less effed up family. You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family. Wait, I don’t think that’s how that’s supposed to go.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

Nothing comes to mind. Well, I saw Spinal Tap again. But it goes to eleven.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I was 32 and I don’t remember. How sad.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Bountiful job offers at the end of school. Wow, I’m like a broken record here.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

White scrubs which I do NOT recommend.

33. What kept you sane?

My husband and my friends and coffee and flannel sheets and baking. There was a lot of stress baking.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Hugh Laurie and Stephen Colbert. I can’t help it.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Seriously. Worry a little less. Try to keep things in perspective. Always realize that there’s more than one point of view. Perception is reality. Not to take it personally when a schizophrenic calls you a dirty whore.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I’m never any good at this. I never download new music and I mostly listen to NPR. I don’t know…something, something, something, poker face.